Hello. Am going on holiday in a few hours, but nonetheless, there’s still time to produce some kind of Friday story. In fact, this is the one I was trying to put out last week, before I got hit by mass distraction.
Vaguely inspired by a conversation I was having with Laura on Twitter about zombie animals, here is… a quite short story about zombie animals and the implications of same.
Anklebiters
By Nick Bryan
‘Gentlemen, thank you for coming. I’m here today to walk you through the nightmare scenario in terms of national defence. As you know, that zombie apocalypse last year turned out to be less of a problem than we initially thought.
‘Yeah. We took care of them pretty easily. Conventional weaponry, it turns out, still works when they walk that slowly and you just need to destroy the brain. But we’ve been studying the movement of the undead, and believe we’ve stumbled upon something worse.
‘We’ve discovered that, after substantial exposure and biting, zombification can be transferred to non-human creatures. And your first instinct might be to worry about zombie lions, zombie bears, or even something really fucked up like a horse.
‘But again, we believe we could take out the larger animals with machine guns and rocket launchers. Obviously, zombie sloth would not be an issue unless you stood directly under its tree, and zombie panda, based on its sexual practises, would start gnawing itself because it couldn’t be bothered to hunt.
‘No, we believe the ultimate threat to our survival comes from the zombie rodent. Imagine, gentlemen: zombie mice, flowing in and out of our houses, immune to pest control poisons because they’re already dead, untempted by mouse traps because they now hunger for flesh rather than cheese, impossible to kill with guns due to their tiny brains.
‘You’d need to scorch entire buildings to get rid of them. Lower classes and students with poor household cleanliness would be eradicated in days, as would the entire sandal and flip-flop wearing population due to their exposed ankles. Make no mistake, gentlemen: an army of zombified rodents would be the worst defence scenario possible.
‘I can’t pretend I have a solution, I’m afraid. But I’ll take your questions now.’
Copyright me 2012 don’t steal, etc. Well, except the idea of zombies, I probably didn’t create that. Email me if you want.
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